Believe me, I'm not proud of any of these. What can I say? I'm an over-writer. I believe I have to spell out everything for the reader so he gets it all. And, not only do I have to spell it out, but also I have to repeat it. If you don't get it the first time, you better get it the second.
Ugh!
If I could only figure out how not to do this in first drafts. I'd be able to save myself so much time.
At least I found some of these before my beta reader did.
Here we go:
Example #1:
Overwriting: "I'm in love," David announced. I looked at him. He was ready to burst.
Better: "I'm in love," David announced. He looked ready to burst.
If the protagonist could see David was ready to burst, then, obviously, he was already looking at him.
Example #2:
Overwriting: I heard the quiver in my voice.
Better: My voice quivered.
Why tell the reader your character heard himself. Just have the character do it.
Example #3:
Overwriting: He extended his arms above his head in a stretch.
Better: He stretched.
So unnecessarily wordy. Does the reader really want to read all that, when he could get the same idea with two words?
Example #4:
Overwriting: "Living here's been easier than living in Vagina–I mean Regina." He corrected himself, then chuckled.
Better: "Living here's been easier than living in Vagina–I mean Regina." He chuckled.
The character corrects himself in what he says. No need to tell the reader he did it.
Example #5:
Overwriting: Where we talked, laughed, and enjoyed ourselves.
Better: Where we talked and laughed.
If the characters are talking and laughing, they're probably enjoying themselves.
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